Relationship Status…

Here is one for you…

I’m single! But I’m in a long term relationship with myself. (Crazy and Wild… I know…) But let me explain… I am 38, have dated maybe a handful of people over the last 20 years… married and divorced (Officially a Canadian Statistic) and have been in “3 year relationship” with myself! And just getting back into the dating world!!! (Let me just say, I’m definitely learning, but more about what I truly deserve.) It will take a strong man to change my status!!!

I am human… and long for love and companionship but… during the 3 years I’ve been in this relationship, I’ve learned a whole hell of a lot about myself… like what I loath about myself, what needs working on and all the scars, scrapes and pains of the past. But also…. I’ve learned what I find beautiful about myself and love unconditionally about me.

This relationship can be straining… like seriously… holy sh!$ balls….

It’s become a daily battle of a solid love/ hate relationship that we all love… and unfortunately hate. The struggle is real… but consistent and there is no room for procrastination and little room for error. I’ve created a solid foundation on how I can truly annoy myself, frustrate and stress myself completely out. How I over react or not react at all. How impatient and stubborn I truly am. BUT I have also grasped the fine art of laughing at myself, loving my beauty and taking full pleasure in spoiling myself in the finer things in life. An endless love for me!! And unwavering faith in God perfecting me.

I think you might be seeing where I’m heading with this… there is a perfect element of perfection that comes from loving yourself on all levels. Diving deep into your authentic uniqueness and grasping on the small quarks that make you… specifically you. It’s truly when you love you, in all things and in all levels that you have the ability to freely let someone love you unconditionally back.

As I have come to terms with what my relationship “status” is, I can only dream of the endless possibilities in finding that in someone else. It is effortless at that level in my opinion. Maybe it’s time to write a list of what I want and need in a relationship based on how I treat and care for myself. (BAM!) How are you treating and loving yourself??

This is a moment of truth…

70lbs of Mental Health

There is a true dividing line between mental health and healing.

So may times I hear… “Oh you look great! Holy crap!!” “What diet are you on, is it expensive?!” And I typically think… oh so before I looked like shit?! Never seeing nor even realizing that truly the medication I was on had done a number not only mentally but physically. But I didn’t feel my size nor see it…

You see I was on 12 different “types” of medication. And each medication was a different strength. One would help with anxiety, one with depression, one for sleep and then a bunch in between to help the high and low swings I was dealing with that day.

Ever year brought another 20lbs and another and… another. To the point that if I look at pictures now, I’m shocked and bewildered at the 70+lbs I’ve managed to shed by just getting clean and choosing to love and better myself.

Although my journey has taken a year to get to this point, I still battle with mild depression/ anxiety and sleep. The journey is continuous and struggles can be daily. But this journey is one I’m thankful for because I can use it as a tool to help so many. Sometimes our stories are our victories… not our setbacks or downfalls.

This is a moment of truth…

Fire Away…

“I’m so numb… I don’t even know who you are anymore…”  Emotions are stagnate in this moment because to feel… is to live and to live… is to not be plagued by this depression and pain any longer.

Some people call suicide “selfish” because the after math it leaves on those around you.  They say we are to look out for number one, but when we do “they” tell us it’s selfish.  You are making a choice that everyone else has to live with but you.  That choice is one that your love ones have to live with.  The reminder of you is continuously lingering in their minds.  “I wish I could have done more… said more… loved just a little more…”

But the reality is… what part of it seems selfish… truly isn’t.  The screaming is so loud inside of you… that it mutes the world around you… even the voices of your loved ones.  You feel so completely and utterly alone; although people flow in and out of your day daily.  They tell you they love you and are proud of you continuously… But your fight is truly alone in your mind and body… no amount of air can truly give you life. No amount of words can silence the inner voice. You just want to be free from your thoughts, the physical numbness and all the pain residing inside you.

People will say… “You don’t understand… you don’t get it…” but trust me when I say I truly do.  The struggles are seconds to seconds… not minutes, hours, days, weeks… months or even years… No amount of words on this page can explain the depths of depression.  No amount of medication can numb it out.  Because at the end of it all, YOU still struggle through it.

Please don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying it’s a choice you should make!  Because the reality is when you feel like there is absolutely nothing left in this life… you feel like you are at the very bottom of bottoms… you feel the pain is to much to recover from…  one second can change everything in your life for the better.  No matter how deep those demons are, remind you are worth the fight.  You are loved by one, possibly by few, typically by many.

Say to life…  “Fire away… take your best shot… show me what you got…” Because you truly can overcome. Find someone who is going to love you no matter how ugly those moments are.  That they won’t give up on you when you’ve given up on yourself.  Let them fight for you in your storm until you can fight for yourself.  Fire away…

This is a moment of truth…