What hurts…

Posted in Live a little on July 2, 2018 by I will fight for you

“I hurt you because I knew you were strong enough to take it.”

“I blamed you, so you would get angry enough to hate me.”

“You deserve so much, to be spoiled… but I don’t know what to do. It’s not you… it’s me.”

“I will never forget what you’ve done to get me through this hard time.”

“I like you but…”

Question:

1) Am I good enough?

2) What did I do wrong?

3) What did I say wrong?

4) What should I’ve done different?

5) Am I overbearing?

6) Am I pretty enough?

7) Did I try to hard?

8) Why do I try?

9) Should I just give up?

Answers:

Because I’m strong doesn’t mean that I don’t completely ache inside when someone rejects me, doesn’t chose me, doesn’t care how I feel, doesn’t want me or never loved me. I’m strong, but I am human, I hurt, I cry, I question and I relive until it makes sense.

I always say to anyone I meet, “I just want what’s best for you no matter what. Even if it’s not me.”

And tonight I’m sitting here reliving every word spoken to me.

People can be cruel… they can lie and cheat and steal. They will pull you down and rip you apart. They will drag you along and then easily toss you to the side. They will ignore you, remove you and block you. They will disregard you and make you feel defeated and like used dirty trash. They will also go as far as putting you to the back burner or treating you like your seconds.

Those people… who think you deserve it… and use you… remember to love them, forgive them and let go. No matter how much it hurts or even how disappointed you might be… love them anyways.

And love you even more. ❤️

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Relationship Status…

Posted in Bipolar on April 17, 2018 by I will fight for you

Here is one for you…

I’m single! But I’m in a long term relationship with myself. (Crazy and Wild… I know…) But let me explain… I am 38, have dated maybe a handful of people over the last 20 years… married and now divorced (Officially a Canadian Statistic) and have been in “3 year relationship” with myself!

I am human… and long for love and companionship but… during the 3 years I’ve been in this relationship, I’ve learned a whole hell of a lot about myself… like what I loath about myself, what needs working on and all the scars, scrapes and pains of the past. But also…. I’ve learned what I find beautiful about myself.

This relationship can be straining… like seriously… holy shit balls….

It’s become a daily battle of a solid love/ hate relationship that we all love… and unfortunately hate. The struggle is real… but consistent and there is no room for procrastination. I’ve created a solid foundation on how I can truly annoy myself, frustrate and stress myself completely out. How I over react or not react at all. How impatient and stubborn I truly am. BUT I have also grasped the fine art of laughing at myself, loving my beauty and taking full pleasure in spoiling myself in the finer things in life. An endless love for me!! And unwavering faith in God perfecting me.

I think you might be seeing where I’m heading with this… there is a perfect element of perfection that comes from loving yourself on all levels. Diving deep into your authentic uniqueness and grasping on the small quarks that make you… specifically you. It’s truly when you love you, in all things and in all levels that you have the ability to freely let someone love you unconditionally back.

As I have come to terms with what my relationship “status” I can only dream of the endless possibilities in finding that in someone else. It is effortless at that level in my opinion. Maybe it’s time to write a list of what I want and need in a relationship based on how I treat and care for myself. (BAM!) How are you treating and loving yourself??

This is a moment of truth…

70lbs of Mental Health

Posted in Bipolar on April 10, 2018 by I will fight for you

There is a true dividing line between mental health and healing.

So may times I hear… “Oh you look great! Holy crap!!” “What diet are you on, is it expensive?!” And I typically think… oh so before I looked like shit?! Never seeing nor even realizing that truly the medication I was on had done a number not only mentally but physically. But I didn’t feel my size nor see it…

You see I was on 12 different “types” of medication. And each medication was a different strength. One would help with anxiety, one with depression, one for sleep and then a bunch in between to help the high and low swings I was dealing with that day.

Ever year brought another 20lbs and another and… another. To the point that if I look at pictures now, I’m shocked and bewildered at the 70+lbs I’ve managed to shed by just getting clean and choosing to love and better myself.

Although my journey has taken a year to get to this point, I still battle with mild depression/ anxiety and sleep. The journey is continuous and struggles can be daily. But this journey is one I’m thankful for because I can use it as a tool to help so many. Sometimes our stories are our victories… not our setbacks or downfalls.

This is a moment of truth…

Fire Away…

Posted in Bipolar with tags , , , , on April 4, 2018 by I will fight for you

“I’m so numb… I don’t even know who you are anymore…”  Emotions are stagnate in this moment because to feel… is to live and to live… is to not be plagued by this depression and pain any longer.

Some people call suicide “selfish” because the after math it leaves on those around you.  They say we are to look out for number one, but when we do “they” tell us it’s selfish.  You are making a choice that everyone else has to live with but you.  That choice is one that your love ones have to live with.  The reminder of you is continuously lingering in their minds.  “I wish I could have done more… said more… loved just a little more…”

But the reality is… what part of it seems selfish… truly isn’t.  The screaming is so loud inside of you… that it mutes the world around you… even the voices of your loved ones.  You feel so completely and utterly alone; although people flow in and out of your day daily.  They tell you they love you and are proud of you continuously… But your fight is truly alone in your mind and body… no amount of air can truly give you life. No amount of words can silence the inner voice. You just want to be free from your thoughts, the physical numbness and all the pain residing inside you.

People will say… “You don’t understand… you don’t get it…” but trust me when I say I truly do.  The struggles are seconds to seconds… not minutes, hours, days, weeks… months or even years… No amount of words on this page can explain the depths of depression.  No amount of medication can numb it out.  Because at the end of it all, YOU still struggle through it.

Please don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying it’s a choice you should make!  Because the reality is when you feel like there is absolutely nothing left in this life… you feel like you are at the very bottom of bottoms… you feel the pain is to much to recover from…  one second can change everything in your life for the better.  No matter how deep those demons are, remind you are worth the fight.  You are loved by one, possibly by few, typically by many.

Say to life…  “Fire away… take your best shot… show me what you got…” Because you truly can overcome. Find someone who is going to love you no matter how ugly those moments are.  That they won’t give up on you when you’ve given up on yourself.  Let them fight for you in your storm until you can fight for yourself.  Fire away…

This is a moment of truth…

My fight song!!!

Posted in Bipolar on August 21, 2017 by I will fight for you

Lots of pictures of me… (sorry/ not sorry) I think I’m shocked at where I was to where I am now. Shocked is any understatement.  
This is what mental health looks like. This is what being medically overdosed looks like. This is what being misdiagnosed looks like. This is what giving up on me looks like. This is what 5 years of hell looks like!!!
This is what getting off medication looks like. This is what health looks like. This is what self-love looks like. This is what fighting to live looks like. This is not how I was, but who I am now. This is what it looks like!!! This is my personal fight song!!! 
#ownit #claimit #fightinglikehell #grace #mercy

D.E.A.T.H

Posted in Bipolar on August 13, 2017 by I will fight for you

🌺Less then an hour away and my family in Nova Scotia will gather to saying goodbye to an amazing man!! You were light, love, kindness, laughter, dedication and strength. You brought so much joy to your family and friends. You, Davy are truly memorable and will be forever missed. There is no question about that. 

🌺So many of us wish and pray that you were still here; that our realities are just a horrible dream that we’ve yet to wake up from. We all ask why? What? How? And Why again… We are seeking answers, but some of those answers left with you. And in time I pray we find peace. 

🌺We are longing to hear your laugh, see your smile or just have one more second with you. For that I know you are forever in our hearts!!

I love you always and forever!

Your couz

PS. If you are struggling with depression please reach out. Its so important not to walk alone during those moments.

The BIG “D” word…

Posted in Bipolar on August 9, 2017 by I will fight for you

I don’t even know where to start, but maybe I’ll start with August 22nd, 2009.  My wedding day! Eeeeeekkkk “Bliss” and every brides dream day all coming true.  *sigh* Or was it? You see, most people get married because it seems like the next step in the land of life.  You start your career, you find your man/ or woman, you get married, but a house… I think you get the picture.  

For me, I am known to do everything half-ass-backwards.  I had my daughter, found my career, then got married and then came the house.  Marriage for me seemed right and after living with someone 2.5 years, marriage couldn’t be that much different…

Reality, marriage is different!!! Like it needs a warning label!!! Something that says… “Life is about to get insanely interesting. Are you sure you want to proceed!!!” Or something like that.  

The next few years would be nothing short of destructive.  Which I’ll share later.  But I don’t think either one of us was prepared for what was to come.  Even though it was a few years that passed, it seemed like overnight everything came to a crashing end.  

One evening my ex and I sat and talked, cried and talked… and then agreed we needed to divorce. It wasn’t so much who was to blame or why.  It was more that we spent 1.5 years alone.  Everyone knew we weren’t happy.  The crazy thing about agreeing to divorce is that it was mutual.  We had talked counciling, but we were both beyond that point.  

So, fast forward… I’m 37 years old and am part of the Canadian statistic contributing to the divorce rate in our country. LOL

My ex and I are friends.  Better friends then we were together at any point.  There is zero expectations and the only accountability we have to each other is my daughter.  People think it’s crazy that we talk or will take our daughter places together.  But she has balance and she isn’t being pulled between two people.  

So… maybe the big “D” word isn’t so much Divorce… as much as it is Decisions…